Are We Teaching Young Players to Play Not to Lose?

One of the things I say to my players all the time is, “It’s not pass or fail. It’s try or not try.”

I started using that phrase because I noticed how quickly young players can become afraid of making mistakes. A player tries to take someone on and loses the ball, then the next time they pass it backwards. They try to play through pressure and it gets intercepted, so the next time they just get rid of it. They attempt the harder pass, it does not come off, and suddenly the safe option starts looking much more attractive.

That is the part that concerns me. I am not saying execution does not matter, because of course it does. Before a player can become good at something, though, they have to be willing to try it. If they become more worried about getting it wrong than they are willing to explore what might work, development changes.

Kids Figure Out Very Quickly What Matters to Us

Players are smart. They know when a coach is frustrated, when a parent is frustrated, which mistakes get a reaction, and which ones do not. They also know when losing changes the mood around the team.

We can tell them that development matters more than results, but they are paying attention to what we actually react to. If every risky action gets a negative response, eventually the player starts avoiding risk. Why would a 12-year-old keep trying something difficult if getting it wrong means being shouted at, taken off, or hearing frustration from the sideline?

The easier option is to play safe, and that is where I think we have to be careful. A safe player can look like a good player. They rarely give the ball away, they make the simple pass, and they avoid obvious mistakes. But looking reliable in the moment and actually developing are not always the same thing.

Why Grassroots Soccer De-Emphasizes Results

There is a reason scores and standings are de-emphasized in grassroots soccer. At that age, the focus is supposed to be development, and development requires space to experiment, make decisions, get things wrong, and work things out.

Canada Soccer’s current Grassroots Standards make that point directly. For programming up to U13, match results are not supposed to be the focus, and scores and standings are removed because an excessive focus on results can restrict player development and negatively affect the player experience. You can read the Canada Soccer Grassroots Standards for the full context.

Once winning becomes the most important thing, behaviour changes. Players change, coaches change, and parents change too. This is probably the uncomfortable part, because parents can say they care about development, but once the game starts, winning suddenly matters a lot more than it did five minutes earlier.

I understand that. Nobody likes losing. I do not like losing either, and I absolutely want my teams to compete and try to win. But there is a difference between trying to win and trying not to lose. Trying to win still allows players to be brave. Trying not to lose usually creates caution, and that difference matters.

The Player Has to Try Before They Can Get Good at It

Think about the things we ask young players to do: scan before receiving, play forward, receive under pressure, take on a defender, break a line, play out from the back, switch the field, or make a difficult supporting run.

None of those things start out looking polished. At first, the pass might be under-hit, the touch might be heavy, or the player might see the right idea but execute it badly. That is normal. What matters to me in those moments is whether they saw it and whether they tried it, because if they keep trying it, we can coach the rest.

That is why I keep going back to the same phrase: “It’s not pass or fail. It’s try or not try.”

I am not lowering the standard when I say that. I am trying to build toward a higher one. Eventually I want the player to see the situation, choose the right action, and execute it properly. But there has to be a first attempt, and there will probably be a poor second attempt and a few more after that before it starts to look right.

That is how players get better.

We Cannot Ask for Bravery and Punish It at the Same Time

This is where coaches have to be honest with ourselves. We tell players to be confident, brave, and willing to play, but then the game gets tight and suddenly we are shouting, “Get rid of it.”

If we want players to play through pressure, we have to accept that sometimes they are going to lose the ball while doing exactly what we asked them to do. If we want them to take players on, sometimes they are going to lose the duel. If we want them to make decisions, sometimes they are going to make the wrong one.

That does not mean we ignore poor decisions. There is still a difference between trying the right thing and doing something careless, and understanding that difference is part of coaching.

Did the player make the wrong decision? Did they make the right decision but execute it poorly? Did they fail to see the opportunity at all?

Those are three completely different coaching problems, even if the end result looks similar.

Parents Have More Influence Than They Probably Realize

Parents are part of the development environment too, whether they realize it or not.

Most parents are simply supporting their kids, and I understand that. But players hear everything. They hear the groan after a missed pass, the “just kick it,” the frustration when the team concedes, and the reaction when the safe choice works.

Over time, players work out which behaviours keep the adults around them happy. I do not think we always appreciate how much influence that can have.

If every mistake feels expensive, players eventually stop taking chances. That might help a team get through one game, but I am not convinced it helps develop the player.

So What Are We Actually Trying to Develop?

As players get older, results should matter more. Game management matters. Understanding risk matters. Knowing when to slow the game down, when to protect a lead, when to take a chance, and when not to is part of becoming a better footballer.

But before players can make those decisions well, they need a range of tools, and they only develop those tools by using them.

That means trying things, failing, adjusting, and trying again. I think adults sometimes get impatient with that process because we see the mistake before we see the learning.

A player loses the ball and we see the turnover. The player may be learning to receive under pressure. We see the missed pass, but the player may be learning to recognize a line-breaking opportunity. We see the failed dribble, but the player may be learning when they can beat someone one-on-one.

Those things matter.

So when one of my players tries something we have been working on and it goes wrong, I try not to make the first question, “Did it work?”

Sometimes the better question is, “Did they try?”

Because if the answer is yes, now we have something to coach.